Three Deer

Years before I started to sit cross-legged with God and actually talk with him, I had a handful of significant encounters and experiences that shaped my life and confirmed God's reality for me. Probably the most important of them happened shortly after my father's suicide. When my dad took his own life it was one of the hardest and most traumatic circumstances I've had to walk through, but it was also a time when God showed up in a big way for me. 

When trauma hits there is an initial shock that sets in pretty quickly. It allows you to go into survival mode and not be overtaken by your circumstances. This happened to me and it allowed me to focus on making sure my family was okay and that the right people came to help us. But as the shock gradually began to wear off the reality of what had happened started to sink in. It was the reality that I didn't have a dad anymore, that he had left my family in some dire circumstances and that my life was forever changed. As this all sank in it brought with it a whole range of emotions, the strongest of which was a deep sadness. And so, a couple of days after my dad's death, I found myself, late at night, in my basement crying, allowing myself to feel the sadness and the despair. It was one of those moments where mere belief was no longer enough. I had believed in God for a while. I believed in Jesus and His resurrection and I believed in Heaven, in eternal life with God. Most importantly, I believed in God’s goodness. But that wasn’t going to cut it now. I needed that reality to come into my life, because the circumstances I was facing threatened to delete all those beliefs and convince me that life was simply tragic and not worth living. So as I as I laid on the cold cement of my basement floor I told God, actually more cried out, that I needed Him to put his money where His mouth was and show me He was real. I told Him that I needed Him to show me that Heaven was real and that my dad was now with Him. And I needed Him to show me that everything was going to be alright. And so, as I laid on the ground in despair, I began to see an image in my mind of three deer standing over my dad’s grave and at that time it filled me with a deep sense of peace. This was because deer had always been symbols of God’s hope and peace in my family. And as the peace started to settle in I felt, almost heard, that I just needed to wait. I didn’t know what for, but I knew something was coming.

The next four or five days after that night went by in a blur as I helped my family and prepared for the funeral. At some point in the seeming chaos, I forgot about the vision God had given me. Finally, the day of the funeral arrived, and after a very beautiful service my family and I climbed into the limo that had been rented to take us from the church to the cemetery where my dad was to be buried. I was so exhausted by that point that as I sat down in my seat right across from the widow I pretty quickly fell into a half-sleep. About twenty minutes later our limo turned right down the wooded road that led into the cemetery and that’s when it happened. I was dozing off when all of the sudden I was jolted quickly awake by my brother exclaiming, “Look! Three deer!” As soon as I opened my eyes I was greeted by the sight of three does running together in a single-file line. It was so surreal because they looked as if they were running right along next to our limo, almost as if to usher us into the cemetery. For about ten seconds I just watched them and God brought back to my mind the image He had given me. I knew then that God was indeed real, that my dad was with him in Heaven and that I would indeed see my dad again. I knew then that everything was going to be okay, that life wasn't just tragic but there was actually purpose to it. As I reflect on that moment, it's hard to fully capture the immense mixture of peace, relief and hope that came upon me then, but it was powerful. And even in the midst of a horribly sad situation, as I then helped carry my dad's coffin to the grave site and said goodbye to him one final time, I felt an incredible sense of happiness and joy. It was that powerful.

That moment was definitive for me. When I needed to actually know God's reality the most He showed up, and in the midst of the most tragic situation I've ever faced, I was able to even smile. I was able to smile because I now had an eternal hope that was real. It wasn't a delusional dream. It was real. And that reality laid the foundation for the rest of my life with Him.

Hope

In September of last year I found myself devastated after a painful break up. I wrote about it in my very first post, but the break up was not the end of the story. Rather, it was merely the beginning. I was so disappointed with the course of events that had taken place thus far in my life that it was hard to imagine things actually getting better. But here's the funny thing about God: He likes to give back. In fact, He likes to give better. And as you learn to walk closely with Him and hear Him well He'll give you promises and things to hope for. That's just who He is. And what He really loves is to get you to hope for better. So, as I healed and grieved with Him, one of the promises He gave me was that I would meet someone else, someone who would blow me away. I had no idea who it would be, where and when, but God was very clear that it would happen and that I would be absolutely head over heels in love with her. Even more was that she would be better for me, a perfect fit for who I am.

As grateful and encouraged as I was by that promise, at times I found it really hard to hope. The thing is, when life has been really difficult, when you've had trauma or when you've had consistent disappointment, hoping for better can be a hard thing to do. In fact, it can be really hard, because the experience(s) you had before seems to contradict the reality God is telling you to hope for. And I believe that's how God wants it to be sometimes, because then the act of hoping really is an act of faith. It's not necessarily based on previous experience, but rather, God's words and what we know of His character. Now, after a while it does get easier to have hope in God's promises because you will have developed more of a history with Him and can look back at all the ways He's helped you and come through for you. But initially it can be really tough.

It makes God really happy though when you say yes to that hope, even if it's difficult. In fact, as I've processed with him, one of the things He's shared with me is that to hope for better, after going through great trial, is one of the most precious things. To say, "Okay God. I'm going to hope for better with You, even though its been so hard," is, at its core, a deep affirmation of His goodness and act of worship. And so I said yes to Him and clung to that hope of meeting this amazing woman He said He had for me. And of course, God being God, He did not disappoint. Mere months later, after a series of very interesting circumstances and His guiding hand, I found myself walking through the doors of a restaurant and laying eyes on the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, and after sitting down and having lunch with her I knew this was the woman I needed to pursue. I had no idea of the beauty that was to follow as I began my relationship with her, and all the ways I would be surprised at just how perfect she was for me.