Three Deer

Years before I started to sit cross-legged with God and actually talk with him, I had a handful of significant encounters and experiences that shaped my life and confirmed God's reality for me. Probably the most important of them happened shortly after my father's suicide. When my dad took his own life it was one of the hardest and most traumatic circumstances I've had to walk through, but it was also a time when God showed up in a big way for me. 

When trauma hits there is an initial shock that sets in pretty quickly. It allows you to go into survival mode and not be overtaken by your circumstances. This happened to me and it allowed me to focus on making sure my family was okay and that the right people came to help us. But as the shock gradually began to wear off the reality of what had happened started to sink in. It was the reality that I didn't have a dad anymore, that he had left my family in some dire circumstances and that my life was forever changed. As this all sank in it brought with it a whole range of emotions, the strongest of which was a deep sadness. And so, a couple of days after my dad's death, I found myself, late at night, in my basement crying, allowing myself to feel the sadness and the despair. It was one of those moments where mere belief was no longer enough. I had believed in God for a while. I believed in Jesus and His resurrection and I believed in Heaven, in eternal life with God. Most importantly, I believed in God’s goodness. But that wasn’t going to cut it now. I needed that reality to come into my life, because the circumstances I was facing threatened to delete all those beliefs and convince me that life was simply tragic and not worth living. So as I as I laid on the cold cement of my basement floor I told God, actually more cried out, that I needed Him to put his money where His mouth was and show me He was real. I told Him that I needed Him to show me that Heaven was real and that my dad was now with Him. And I needed Him to show me that everything was going to be alright. And so, as I laid on the ground in despair, I began to see an image in my mind of three deer standing over my dad’s grave and at that time it filled me with a deep sense of peace. This was because deer had always been symbols of God’s hope and peace in my family. And as the peace started to settle in I felt, almost heard, that I just needed to wait. I didn’t know what for, but I knew something was coming.

The next four or five days after that night went by in a blur as I helped my family and prepared for the funeral. At some point in the seeming chaos, I forgot about the vision God had given me. Finally, the day of the funeral arrived, and after a very beautiful service my family and I climbed into the limo that had been rented to take us from the church to the cemetery where my dad was to be buried. I was so exhausted by that point that as I sat down in my seat right across from the widow I pretty quickly fell into a half-sleep. About twenty minutes later our limo turned right down the wooded road that led into the cemetery and that’s when it happened. I was dozing off when all of the sudden I was jolted quickly awake by my brother exclaiming, “Look! Three deer!” As soon as I opened my eyes I was greeted by the sight of three does running together in a single-file line. It was so surreal because they looked as if they were running right along next to our limo, almost as if to usher us into the cemetery. For about ten seconds I just watched them and God brought back to my mind the image He had given me. I knew then that God was indeed real, that my dad was with him in Heaven and that I would indeed see my dad again. I knew then that everything was going to be okay, that life wasn't just tragic but there was actually purpose to it. As I reflect on that moment, it's hard to fully capture the immense mixture of peace, relief and hope that came upon me then, but it was powerful. And even in the midst of a horribly sad situation, as I then helped carry my dad's coffin to the grave site and said goodbye to him one final time, I felt an incredible sense of happiness and joy. It was that powerful.

That moment was definitive for me. When I needed to actually know God's reality the most He showed up, and in the midst of the most tragic situation I've ever faced, I was able to even smile. I was able to smile because I now had an eternal hope that was real. It wasn't a delusional dream. It was real. And that reality laid the foundation for the rest of my life with Him.